A New Kind of Normal

My mother-in-law Heather gave me the book A New Kind of Normal by Carol Kent. In it she quotes a statement made by author Ken Gire. I share it with you because it is making me think. Think what? I am not sure yet - it's pretty deep.

"When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces. But he doesn't put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, he sifts through the rubble and selects some shards of raw material for another project - a mosaic that tells the story of redemption".

Carol Kent comments to this statement: "It usually takes a long time to find meaning and purpose when you are living in the middle of devastating circumstances',

In response to her statement, I wonder if I have even reached the 'middle' of my circumstance.

To lighten things up, attached is a picture taken about 4 years ago at our friend Taryn's 30th birthday party.

Skin Heads

Josh, Mitch, Me, and Carman. Are we not the most attractive group! Mitch wins for least amount of hair - tee hee!!!!

Cancer still sucks!

Bike Trip

Almost a year ago (Aug 25) Carman and I set out on our bike to 'runaway' to Radium Hot Springs. I had my biopsy on Aug 22nd and we were advised it would take about a week for the results. I remember being hopeful that it wouldn't be cancer and we thought getting away would help make the 'waiting' go faster. Unfortunately, we made it is as far a Rocky Mountain House Tim Hortons when we got the call to come back. The results were not good and instead we were on a trip up to Edmonton to meet a surgeon.

I can't believe it has been a year. I one hand it has went very quickly and I am thankful I am still alive. Should I have been diagnosed prior to 1996 I would probably have been dead by now. On the other hand, there have been times were time stood almost still. When I got diagnosed I heard people say 'cancer is hard', 'it is a battle'. I have yet to still find an adequate description of what it feels like to deal with this disease. The initial shock alone is quite something - unbearable. But you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. For me, I preferred just being in quiet environments. Usually I have the TV going or radio on just to have noise around me, but while getting treatment over the past year I preferred to have things quite and still around me.

If I can be frank and honest, I really didn't want to be around a lot of people. I didn't like how they looked at me. I've never liked people feeling sorry for me, and I certainly didn't like it now. I am looking forward to when my hair grows back because then I think people will once again see me versus seeing the disease. I am living with cancer, not currently dieing of it.

On a lighter note, our first destination on our motorcycle trip was Radium Hot Springs. It was a goal I had set to soak in the springs when I got better. The next day we made it as far as Nelson, BC. I was pretty tired so a cruise through the town and walking across the bridge for supper was the extent of exploring this great town. Carman and I would love to go back and stay a week there sometime. Can I mention that on our way to Nelson we stopped for lunch in Kimberly, or should I say 'mini Switzerland'. I tried Schnitzel and I think I'm good for a lifetime. We left Nelson in a bit of a hurry as there was a high probability for rain all day. Unfortunately we got nice a wet for about 2 hours before we reached Nakusp. Carman's hands were so cold he couldn't tell if his finger was touching the signal button or not. Getting wet and cold was certainly not enjoyable, but my comment to Carman was: "It beats chemo'. The third night was in Revelstoke and the 4th night in Canmore.

On our way to Canmore we stopped by Lake Louise and saw a grizzly bear in the ditch. Carman was adamant that we turn around and take some pictures, but I wasn't a keen. Reason #1 - we were on a motorcycle and the bear was fairly close to the road. Reason #2 - the camera was in the pack which would require one of us to get off the bike to get it. So, no stopping for bears. Future travel Rule #1 - always keep your camera on your person.

For those who read the last post, pleae note that Carman did pay-up on his bet. I got a nice pendant from the Rock and Gem Shop and a hoodie from the Hemp Store. I'll post a picture of me wearning my winnings in the future. I think an account of me being in a Hemp store may also be worth a good laugh.

This first picture is of me, my sisters, and my dad in front of Radium Hot Springs. I was probably 6 years old. Tara and I are wearing jackets my mom knit. If you look closely you can see the badges she would sew on them. It was also a family thing to give 'thumbs up' when taking pictures - especially for Tara. It came from The Fonz off Happy Days.

Not much as changed a the springs since as you can see from our current photo.

Would you do it?

Here's me feeling like a kid again. I remember going down this slide many, many times when I was younger.

You forgot to pack your bathing suit, the water is from a melting glacier, and your pride is on the line. For the guarantee of a hemp/recycled pop bottle hoodie and a piece of jewelry of my choice at the gem store in Banff, I laid my chubby, bald self down.

CT Results

On Sunday night we headed out to Gull Lake for some more camping. We enjoyed our time visiting with 3 other families for four nights - the men got up early and went to work and us women got to enjoy the nice weather. I spent the majority of my time sitting under the awning reading and studying (oh, and eating lots of snacks and drinking a wide range of cold drinks).

Monday we were up to Edmonton to get another CT scan and we saw the doctor yesterday (Thursday). The good news is I get a break from chemo. How long of break? Only God knows. The bad news is that my liver did not come back clean as I had so greatly hoped and prayed for. However, the doctor says that there is just a trace left and it is not worth hitting with a new chemo. The current chemo has done all it can.

About a month ago I did a special 24hr urine tests for my bones. Carman didn't like have the large orange 'pee jug' on the fridge. I would joke "make sure not to pour the special orange juice". Anyways, this test revealed that my bones are on a 'healthy' path of recovery. It will still take some time to determine the status of my bones, but I get another bone, ct, and muga scan in 3 months. In the meantime, it is back to hormone therapy - the monthly injection into my abdomen and daily pills and the continuation of Herceptin and Zometa.

To be truthful, I was pretty upset that there is still cancer in my liver. I wanted it gone! I prayed for it to be gone!! But while reading the book of John, especially chapter 11 when Jesus got word from Mary and Martha that their brother Lazarus was sick, Jesus declared, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it." If you don't know this story, Lazarus did die before Jesus arrived. But, Jesus rose him from the tomb and he lived.

What got me the most were the 'notes' in my bible regarding this. In particular: He (Jesus) knew their (Martha and Mary's) pain but did not respond immediately. His delay had a specific purpose. God's timing especially his delays, may make us think he is not answering or is not answering the way we want. But he will meet all of our needs according to his perfect schedule and purpose (Philippians 4:19). Patiently await his timing.

So I am trying to patiently await. Patience is hard. From the beginning of this painful journey one thing I know for certain is that God called me to patient and to persevere. He also told me to not be afraid. These are all hard requests for a simple human like myself.

Today while at the Cancer Clinic getting my Herceptin and injection I noticed a handbag display in the foyer. For those who do not know me well, I have always had an addiction to purses and bags. Since I already bought a 'summer' purse I thought I should resist and just walk away, but I felt a strong urge to browse. Can I also write a disclaimer that I am a tight wad and not much of a shopper so stopping to shop is rare. There were lots of nice bags but my eye caught a small purple/black briefcase. Since my work life has barely been on the scale of 'work' for almost a year now I was mentally listing all the reasons why I shouldn't buy it. But I felt like with all the reasons why I shouldn't God told me to buy the bag. Okay, I know what your thinking does God tell us to shop? I think he did with me today.

The story keeps going. When I got home with my new bag I checked my e-mails. Since we have been away most the week there were 23 new message to go through. One in particular made my day. Can you beleive a total stranger from Isreal has read my blog and emailed me!!! She told me to find my passion in life. I have always loved my work and I have worked hard to get where I am today - it is my passion. I love helping people manage their money (remember my disclaimer of being a tight wad). I feel even better for buying my new briefcase!

The picture is of my friend Curtis and I at the Red Deer fair using up his free tickets on the lamest ride ever built! I can't beleive it would cost a person $5 to ride it.

Lastly, I still have all my finger nails!

Pet Therapy

Last weekend we got away camping again. The original plan was to go to Red Lodge out by Bowden, but because we didn't have a reservation we missed the last campsite by about half an hour. So we kicked-it-up Wilson style and just started driving. You see, Carman has fond memories (I'm being a bit sarcastic) of being a kid driving around trying to find a place to camp and arriving and setting up in the dark. While driving I thought I saw a sign that said Pearson's Berry Farm had RV sites, but they just had RV parking (a bit embarrassing). After a phone call to a friend in Sundre, and some back roads later, we ended up at Burnt Stick Lake. I also share that at one point we stopped to let the dogs out only to have the truck not start - we were in the middle of nowhere! But, Carman is pretty handy and got us up and running again after resetting something.

It was nice to be out of the house, but this last dose of chemo sure lingered awhile and I didn't recuperate as fast. It was nice just to lay in the trailer with the dogs and read.

I think my body has had enough of the chemo though. I am at risk of loosing several finger nails and my body is just tired out. My hair is slowly filling in and I've got their weird thick dark patch on the back of my head - I guess it's better than it being front and centre. It will be interesting to see what colour and texture it comes back as. Right now I feel a bit like a calico cat.

On Monday I get another CT scan and we see the doctor on Thursday. I pray these two extra doses were the ticket in kicking the rest of this cancer's ass!