Radiation - Week 3 of 5

15 down, 10 t0 go!

My dad came down on Wednesday to take my mom and I to the Grand Canyon IMAX. During the film they showed white water rafting scenes; and I just couldn't stop thinking about how much I would love to have that experience. I have since researched the adventure, and find the 6-7 day trip of camping and maneuvering 60 rapids on to my 'Bucket List'.

Wednesday night I went to bible study. I really enjoy my time with these German seniors - they sure know their bible, which encourages me to strive to do the same.

Thursday was a busy day in that I got another monthly injection into my abdomen to try and shut down my ovaries, and I got to spend an hour talking to one of the Psychologist at the Cross Cancer Institute. It made me feel good to hear: "that is normal", "it is good to cry".

To be perfectly honest, the hardest thing I am dealing with is the threat of not being able to grow old with Carman. Pre-cancer we had that 'talk' of us wanting each other to re-marry, but now that it threatens me, it is so hard to consider the thought of Carman loving anybody but me. I want to be his only wife, I want to travel around the country in an RV in our golden years, I want to put his socks on when we get old. The thought of another woman having that privilege floods me with tears, and makes me want to vomit. Time is not forgiving. Would Carman forget the way I feel, the sound of my voice, my love for him, his love for me? Would his new life overshadow his life with me? And what is heaven really like? I know we get our new 'super bodies', and that we will recognize each other. So if we recognize each other, we must remember our earthly lives. So how would this all work in eternity? I know we won't get this answer until we are there, and that God is too loving to make our earthly problems problems in eternity, but it still makes it so hard for my simple-minded earthly head.

When I got home on Friday afternoon I was feeling so good I took Rudy for our regular walk. Saturday I was still feeling really good that I even had times where I felt normal. Sunday had me a bit more on the tired side, but I hope I can keep my energy level up and that fatigue doesn't become much of a problem.

I am reading the book of Job right now and I would like to share a verse:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

I pray: God, heal my body completely of cancer and let Carman and my love for each other continue to grow. Thank you for this radiation and hormone treatment plan, we have complete trust that it came from you.